• What I Say
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    • The Archives >
      • 2016 - What I Say Archives >
        • May 2016 >
          • Spoiler Alert: None Of Us Are F*cking Perfect! #IJWTBP
          • Escalator Boot Camp For Kids
          • When Will The Whine Go Bad?
        • April 2016 >
          • Overcoming Stage Fright While Listening To Your Mother
          • Help, My 8yo Wants To Shave Her Legs!
          • If You're Gonna Buy Cheap Liquor, Don't Do it In Ohio
        • March 2016 >
          • Good Things Happen When You Listen To Your Mother
        • February 2016 >
          • The Discipline Game
          • Even A Skinny Girl Can Feel Like A Cow
        • January 2016 >
          • Not A Good Mourning
          • Mile Marker #49
          • Why I'd Rather Be A Bitch Than A Bully
          • Diary Of A DIshwasher
      • 2015 - What I Say Archives >
        • December 2015 >
          • Shut Your Piehole: A Message To The Easily Offended
        • November 2015 >
          • 15 Things You Need To Know Before Cutting The Umbilical Cord
          • What Kids Hear When Mom Says No
        • October 2015 >
          • Death Of A Powder Room
          • Too Cruel To Be Kind
          • Mombat: The Fight Amongst Creators
          • Who Said Motherhood Was Supposed To Be Fun?
        • September 2015 >
          • Finding A Good Dentist Is Like Pulling Teeth
          • Mom: The Hooker Of All Janitors
          • A Boy On A Mission... Teaching A Generation To Give
          • Two Words: SUPER LICE
        • August 2015 >
          • 20 Reasons Why Moms Should Celebrate The First Day Of School
          • When Grandma Steals Your Birthday Thunder
          • A Tearful Goodbye To Aunt Flo
        • July 2015 >
          • The Goofy Juice Conspiracy: #RefreshYourFunny
        • June 2015 >
          • The Battle Of The Midtown Mom
          • Barbie Trash Talk
          • When Kids Are The Only Reason To Get Up In The Morning
          • This Is BlogU
        • May 2015 >
          • My Body: The Temple Of Doom
          • Be A Man. Own Your Sh*t.
          • How To Dispose Of Your Kid's Art Without Them Knowing
          • Goat Party
          • Knock, Knock. Who's There? Old Age. —DON'T ANSWER!
          • Child Abduction Social Experiment: How Scary Is THIS?!
        • April 2015 >
          • Be Kind, Rewind.
          • Ball Of Yarn
          • When Is It Time To Leave The Toughest Job You’ll Ever Have?
          • The Business Of Monkeys
          • PhenomeMOM
          • A Meeting Of The Minds
          • Parenting Advice: Got Any?
        • March 2015 >
          • If Parenting Were Easy, I'd Have More Kids
          • 28 Things I Just Found Inside My Daughter's Purse
          • Lisa And Jenn Go To Lunch: A Story Of Friendship And Courage
          • Sassypiehole Gets Published!
          • Uninvited Mouseguest
          • The Mysterious World Of 444
          • Slim Brady: A Story Of Strength And Courage
        • February 2015 >
          • Unpaid Labor —Literally!
          • How (Not) To Open A Coconut
          • The Organ Of My Discontent
          • The Leprechaun Catchers
          • Pain In The Ass —Literally!
        • January 2015 >
          • Morning Calamity
          • To Catch A Leprechaun
          • The Aftermath Of Childbirth
          • Does Reincarnation Exist? Maybe You Should Go Ask The Dog!
      • 2014 - What I Say Archives >
        • December 2014 >
          • Forgiveness Is Just A Click Away
          • My Own Private Paradise
          • Pick Your Nose And Pull Back A Nub: A Kid-Must PSA
        • November 2014 >
          • Eat Your Supper!
          • Maybe It's Me; Maybe It's Menopause
        • October 2014 >
          • The Night That Santa F@cked Up
          • How To Piss Off A Woman In Five Easy Steps
          • Obsessive Compulsive Playdate
        • September 2014 >
          • Dismantling Clutter
          • Oh, Happy Day!
          • Bip The Drip
          • What You Get Is What You See
        • August 2014 >
          • Wrinkled and Dizzy Sweater
          • Secondhand Smoke
          • To Kill A Mocking Mouse (Pun Intended)
        • July 2014 >
          • Black Croc Down
          • Final Wishes
          • Cavity Search
          • House Sitter
        • June 2014 >
          • The Pill
          • The Boss
          • Nipple Bite
          • Forced Religion? Not In MY House!
        • May 2014 >
          • Cheese Louise
          • Brokeback M̶o̶u̶n̶t̶a̶i̶n̶ Van
          • My Homeless (Not) Friend
          • The Best Decision I Ever Made
        • April 2014 >
          • Sword Writing
          • When Life Gives You Lemons
          • Lego's? They Ought To Call Them Footgo's!
          • Young Love: A Girl And Her Bracelet
        • March 2014 >
          • Circus Life
          • What?
          • Priorities: My How They've Changed!
          • Big Girls Don't Scream!
          • Entitlement: When did THIS become a thing?
          • The Day I Almost Lost... "THE Finger!"
          • Pudge: A 17-lb. Heavyweight
          • The Gym: A Place Where People Go To Sweat And Be Jerky
          • Birthdays: It's not about YOU anymore!
          • The toughest job you'll never have (unless you try)!
          • Psycho Kitty
          • Is it bad that I only dream of sleeping?
          • Blurred Mentality
        • February 2014 >
          • Salon Therapy
          • Move over, Elf... There's a new sheriff in town!
          • "Time Out" is just slang for "Shut the *&@# up!"
          • You Get What You Get And You Don't Pitch A Fit!
          • Club Argonne: A Banking Faux Pas
          • The SouperBall
          • Motherhood: The OTHER Dementia.
          • You're only as sick as they SAY you are!
          • Tomato Heist
          • Playdate, Plaguedate... What's the difference?
          • Snow Day
          • The upside of being single
          • Snow Beast versus The Drunk Girl
          • Monday... It's just another word for LIFE!
          • The Truth About Love (It's Not What You Think)
          • The Golden Rule of Cleaning (Husbands: Take Note!)
          • This is what happened when I quit my first job.
          • If it's FREE, there's usually a reason!
          • NO, as a matter of fact, I am NOT on my period!
          • (Moms) Will Work For FREE!
        • January 2014 >
          • Pregnancy: When "no" means "NO!"
          • Alert the media - 40 is the new 65!
          • Made In vaChina!
          • When it doubt, blame the dog.
          • Friends shouldn't let friends wear men's underpants and call it fashion.
          • I've got so many balls in the air that sometimes he mistakes one for his own!
          • Stuper Bowl Sunday
          • Mom vs. Devil - A Battle of Wits
          • Dance Bully
          • Forever Young
          • Imaginary friends DO exist (and they're living in my house)!
          • PARENTAL ADVISORY: I AM the explicit content!
          • If I thought for a second that I'd end up doing THIS again, I never would have had kids!
          • It's a good thing there isn't a rehab for smokers... Because rehab is for quitters!
          • AD/HD... It's not just for kids anymore!
          • Whining + Melodramatic Tears = A Kid At PetSmart
          • Long-term total sleep deprivation has caused death in lab animals... Guess it's a good thing I'm not a rat!
          • If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all! ~Hee Haw, circa 1969
          • If everyone followed this one piece of advice, the world would be a much better place!
          • Four more cats and I would've been THAT girl!
          • I used to dress like a hooker, then I had kids!
          • If anyone asks, I'm a pole dancer. That way, when they find out the truth, they'll be far less disappointed.
  • What THEY Say
    • The Archives >
      • 2015 - What THEY Say >
        • September 2015 >
          • Little Boys And Cram Crackers
        • June 2015 >
          • Turning Toddlers Into Teens | The Unfit Father
        • May 2015 >
          • 6 Parenting Styles I Embrace | The Mediocre Mama
          • Parenting Gives Me Indigestion | Copycate
          • Dear Mom-To-Be | Defining Motherhood
    • Guest Blogger Submission Form
  • Rants & Raves
    • Submit Product For Review
    • The Archives >
      • 2016 - Rants & Raves Archives >
        • May 2016 >
          • Enter to Win a FREE myCharge HUB Max Charger
        • March 2016 >
          • Turn Your Kid's Crappy Artwork Into One-Of-A-Kind Jewelry
      • 2015 - Rants & Raves Archives >
        • May 2015 >
          • Are Three Arms Really Better Than One?
      • 2014 - Rants & Raves Archives >
        • Nov 2014 >
          • Looking For A Lunch Box That Will Keep Your Kid's Lunch HOT? Boom. Found It!
        • July 2014 >
          • What To Do When There Is Nothing To Do And You Have Kids?
        • June 2014 >
          • Osmo: A Real Game Changer For Creative Learning On The iPad!
        • May 2014 >
          • Ground Control To Major Mom
          • Organic Custom Baby Quilt
          • Drawing A Blank? Not Anymore!
        • April 2014 >
          • Attention All Mothers: You Need This!
          • Stoppy: A Stylish Doorstop That Works!
          • DIY Sunlight Powered Screen-Printing
          • Kid's Placemats, With A Modern-Twist
        • March 2014 >
          • Cacoon
          • Looks Like Putty Got Smart!
          • Simply Put: I Want One!
          • Filip Wearable Phone Watch
          • Wonki Wands: Mind-Blowingly Enormous Bubbles!
        • February 2014 >
          • Indoor S'mores–For REAL!
          • Who needs powder when you got grass?
          • Breast Milk Lollipops? Yep... It's a thing!
          • Cartoons come to life - I freaking' LOVE this!
        • January 2014 >
          • If you buy it, they will play (maybe for hours)!
          • Where else can you beat on a ball with a metal rod and not get sent to prison?
          • When babies have mustaches, it is inappropriate to make mustache ride jokes... Just an FYI
          • Are your balls glowing? Maybe they SHOULD be!
      • 2013 - Rants & Raves Archives >
        • December 2013 >
          • If they don't like it, you can always hit them in the face with it!
          • What's that you say? A cool, low budget gift for Christmas?
          • Pewi, what's that smell? "Oh, that's called STYLE, my dear... And I wish I would have had it when MY kid was learning to walk!"
          • A personal sleigh for your highness!
        • November 2013 >
          • Now when you call me a slacker, it will mean something entirely different!
          • Hey writers... Got a lot to say about nothing, but can't figure out what to say? Let Storymatic help!
          • In my next life, I want to be a millionaire so I can spend all my money on toys for my kid!
        • October 2013 >
          • Diva moms on a budget... You can thank me in advance for what I'm about to tell you!
          • Don't take your anger out on mommy... say hello to Mr. Bonks!
          • I'll let you in on a little secret: kids don't know how much things cost and sometimes it pays to stick to the basics!
          • Next time you tell your kids to "go draw mommy a nice picture," don't be surprised if they ask for one of these!
          • The ideal gift for SWINGERS! (No pun intended.)
          • Look... you're SIX-YEARS-OLD: if you want cookies, make 'em yourself!
          • Go ahead: THROW my iPhone in the toilet, see if I care! Well... maybe not the toilet, perhaps we could just stick to large bodies of water?
          • How I became the Walter White of caffeine, minus all the millions and dead people.
          • Now when you trip on your way downstairs and land on your only GOOD tooth, you can thank your 2-year-old for calling for help!
          • Bunk beds are making a come-back... for adults!
          • Brace yourself, Daddy: That playhouse you built out of unmatched, termite-infested scrap wood you swiped from the neighbors back yard has finally been replaced.
          • I guess if my husband left one of THESE giant eggshells in the sink, I really don't think I would mind at all!
        • September 2013 >
          • If you plan on letting your 3-year-old stay up and watch horror movies this Halloween, at LEAST put one of these on their nightstand!
          • The incredible UN-edible egg
          • If you're gonna help mommy vacuum, you'd better be legit!
          • Every person alive should own one of these, unless of course, they really ARE a witch!
          • Who said you can't teach an old dog new tricks?
          • If butts could talk, they'd tell you to buy one of these!
          • If you need an iPad in the bathroom, you're probably doing it wrong.
          • Shhhh... don't squeeze the animals: that's HER job!
          • Enough already: Shut the f...ront door, lock it and take your kids to the park!
          • Santa's not the ONLY one with a cool sled!
          • I see London, I see France, I see... wait... whaaaa??!
          • Mah-Na Mah-Naaaat such a bad idea!
          • The Gods Must Be Crazy... or just really f-ing cool!
          • What the hell is Zipfy? Oh... you're gonna want to know!
          • It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm about to eat mine!
          • Idiot-proof decoration... even for an idiot
          • No left turn... well, at least not for another 20 minutes!
        • August 2013 >
          • The Backpack War
          • Booster seat fit for a Prima donna
          • I like cool swag and I cannot lie...
  • Common Sense Etiquette
    • Level I: The Simple Things >
      • Lesson #1: How To Clean A Dish
      • Lesson #2: How To Change A Roll Of Toilet Paper
      • Lesson #3: How To Pick Up Your Shit
      • Lesson #4: How To Push A Button
      • Lesson #5: How To Turn Off A Light
      • Lesson #6: How To Be A Courteous Snacker
      • Lesson #7: How To Close A Refrigerator Door
      • Lesson #8: How To Close The Door On A Microwave Oven
      • Lesson #9: How To Turn The Volume Down on A Remote
      • Lesson #10: How To Lock A Door
      • Lesson #11: How To Pick Up A Sock
      • Lesson #12: How To Eat A Chip
      • Lesson #13: How To Push In A Chair
      • Lesson #14: How To Spray A Can Of Air Freshener
      • Lesson #15: How To Return A Pen
      • Lesson #16: How To Feed A Cat
      • Lesson #17: How To Put Seat Down On A Toilet
      • Lesson #18: How To Make A Bed The Lazy Man's Way
      • Lesson #19: How To Close A Drawer
      • Lesson #20: How To Close A Flip Lid
      • Lesson #21: How To Hang A Key On A Hook
      • Lesson #22: How To Turn Off A Gas Burner
      • Lesson #23: How To Pick Up A Towel
      • Lesson #24: How To Discard A Used Tissue
      • Lesson #25: How To Lock A Bathroom Door
      • Lesson #26: How To Move A Toy
      • Lesson #27: How To Close A Bag
      • Lesson #28: How To Turn Off A TV
      • Lesson #29: How To Locate And Remove An Unidentified Odor
      • Lesson #30: How To Close A Shampoo Bottle
      • Lesson #31: How To Shut A Door
    • Level II: A Step Above The Ordinary >
      • Lesson #1: How To Wipe A Counter
      • Lesson #2: How To Straighten Something
      • Lesson #3: How To Feed A Fish
      • Lesson #4: How To Push A Broom
      • Lesson #5: How To Empty A Trash Can
      • Lesson #6: A Brief Introduction To The Dishwasher
      • Lesson #7: How To Blow Out A Candle
      • Lesson #8: How To Open Mini Blinds
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Want To Guest Post For Sassypiehole?

    Good, I need all the help I can get! And the funnier you are, the better you will make me look. I'm also on the hunt for stories that will make me cry like I did when I got dumped for the first time (and the second, third and forth), so if you think you got what it takes to keep us entertained; bring it! 

    Please do not submit an article unless it has been edited to perfection (i.e., check your grammar, spelling, punctuation, and sentence structure) before sending to me. Any stories that require more than five minutes of my time will not be published. Be sure to include a headshot (or logo if you are writing under a pen name) as well as any links to social media that you'd like to include. All links should be posted at the bottom of your bio. If you are a featured writer in an anthology or have any other books that you would like to promote, please include links to their Amazon pages. 

    Who ARE you?
    This better not be one of those 976 numbers!
    Be sure to add sassypiehole to your address book. Otherwise, I might get flagged as porn and never hear from you again.
    I'm gonna want to see this; so if you don't have one, GET ONE... Then try it again! I say this with love...
    Don't worry if you haven't been published yet, I won't count it against you. We all have to start somewhere!
    What is the title of your masterpiece? If I like it, I might even USE it!
    Yes or no.
    If your article has been published more than once, it is doubtful that I would run it on my site. Google doesn't like that sort of thing and I'm not big on pissing them off. No offense.
    Go ahead; gloat... you KNOW you WANT to! Shoot me a quick bio, some street creds and an SEO post description if you got one. I'll let you know either way if we're a good fit for one another and we can hammer out a date later. Thanks for your interest!
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Screw THAT... I Want Sassypiehole To Guest Blog On MY Page!

    What's that you say? You want ME to write for YOU? Well, that's a first! But I might suggest you fish around my site first to make sure I'm a good fit for yours. If you still think I am, go ahead and send me your info and I'll do the same. Then I'll have MY people call YOUR people and we'll make it happen.

    Okay... shit is about to get real. Don't be giving out any fake names here. I need to know who I'm dealing with!
    You don't have to give it. I'll probably never call, but it's always nice to have pretend friends in my contact folder.
    Without this, it will never happen. Make sure you spell it right!
    Not having one would sort of defeat the purpose, don't you think?
    What's your deal? Tell me about yourself! And be sure to let me know if you have a theme you would like me to focus on and any dates you had in mind.
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