What I Say
All About Me
Buy My Books
2016 - What I Say Archives
Spoiler Alert: None Of Us Are F*cking Perfect! #IJWTBP
Escalator Boot Camp For Kids
When Will The Whine Go Bad?
Overcoming Stage Fright While Listening To Your Mother
Help, My 8yo Wants To Shave Her Legs!
If You're Gonna Buy Cheap Liquor, Don't Do it In Ohio
Good Things Happen When You Listen To Your Mother
The Discipline Game
Even A Skinny Girl Can Feel Like A Cow
Not A Good Mourning
Mile Marker #49
Why I'd Rather Be A Bitch Than A Bully
Diary Of A DIshwasher
2015 - What I Say Archives
Shut Your Piehole: A Message To The Easily Offended
15 Things You Need To Know Before Cutting The Umbilical Cord
What Kids Hear When Mom Says No
Death Of A Powder Room
Too Cruel To Be Kind
Mombat: The Fight Amongst Creators
Who Said Motherhood Was Supposed To Be Fun?
Finding A Good Dentist Is Like Pulling Teeth
Mom: The Hooker Of All Janitors
A Boy On A Mission... Teaching A Generation To Give
Two Words: SUPER LICE
20 Reasons Why Moms Should Celebrate The First Day Of School
When Grandma Steals Your Birthday Thunder
A Tearful Goodbye To Aunt Flo
The Goofy Juice Conspiracy: #RefreshYourFunny
The Battle Of The Midtown Mom
Barbie Trash Talk
When Kids Are The Only Reason To Get Up In The Morning
This Is BlogU
My Body: The Temple Of Doom
Be A Man. Own Your Sh*t.
How To Dispose Of Your Kid's Art Without Them Knowing
Knock, Knock. Who's There? Old Age. —DON'T ANSWER!
Child Abduction Social Experiment: How Scary Is THIS?!
Be Kind, Rewind.
Ball Of Yarn
When Is It Time To Leave The Toughest Job You’ll Ever Have?
The Business Of Monkeys
A Meeting Of The Minds
Parenting Advice: Got Any?
If Parenting Were Easy, I'd Have More Kids
28 Things I Just Found Inside My Daughter's Purse
Lisa And Jenn Go To Lunch: A Story Of Friendship And Courage
Sassypiehole Gets Published!
The Mysterious World Of 444
Slim Brady: A Story Of Strength And Courage
Unpaid Labor —Literally!
How (Not) To Open A Coconut
The Organ Of My Discontent
The Leprechaun Catchers
Pain In The Ass —Literally!
To Catch A Leprechaun
The Aftermath Of Childbirth
Does Reincarnation Exist? Maybe You Should Go Ask The Dog!
2014 - What I Say Archives
Forgiveness Is Just A Click Away
My Own Private Paradise
Pick Your Nose And Pull Back A Nub: A Kid-Must PSA
Eat Your Supper!
Maybe It's Me; Maybe It's Menopause
The Night That Santa F@cked Up
How To Piss Off A Woman In Five Easy Steps
Obsessive Compulsive Playdate
Oh, Happy Day!
Bip The Drip
What You Get Is What You See
Wrinkled and Dizzy Sweater
To Kill A Mocking Mouse (Pun Intended)
Black Croc Down
Forced Religion? Not In MY House!
Brokeback M̶o̶u̶n̶t̶a̶i̶n̶ Van
My Homeless (Not) Friend
The Best Decision I Ever Made
When Life Gives You Lemons
Lego's? They Ought To Call Them Footgo's!
Young Love: A Girl And Her Bracelet
Priorities: My How They've Changed!
Big Girls Don't Scream!
Entitlement: When did THIS become a thing?
The Day I Almost Lost... "THE Finger!"
Pudge: A 17-lb. Heavyweight
The Gym: A Place Where People Go To Sweat And Be Jerky
Birthdays: It's not about YOU anymore!
The toughest job you'll never have (unless you try)!
Is it bad that I only dream of sleeping?
Move over, Elf... There's a new sheriff in town!
"Time Out" is just slang for "Shut the *&@# up!"
You Get What You Get And You Don't Pitch A Fit!
Club Argonne: A Banking Faux Pas
Motherhood: The OTHER Dementia.
You're only as sick as they SAY you are!
Playdate, Plaguedate... What's the difference?
The upside of being single
Snow Beast versus The Drunk Girl
Monday... It's just another word for LIFE!
The Truth About Love (It's Not What You Think)
The Golden Rule of Cleaning (Husbands: Take Note!)
This is what happened when I quit my first job.
If it's FREE, there's usually a reason!
NO, as a matter of fact, I am NOT on my period!
(Moms) Will Work For FREE!
Pregnancy: When "no" means "NO!"
Alert the media - 40 is the new 65!
Made In vaChina!
When it doubt, blame the dog.
Friends shouldn't let friends wear men's underpants and call it fashion.
I've got so many balls in the air that sometimes he mistakes one for his own!
Stuper Bowl Sunday
Mom vs. Devil - A Battle of Wits
Imaginary friends DO exist (and they're living in my house)!
PARENTAL ADVISORY: I AM the explicit content!
If I thought for a second that I'd end up doing THIS again, I never would have had kids!
It's a good thing there isn't a rehab for smokers... Because rehab is for quitters!
AD/HD... It's not just for kids anymore!
Whining + Melodramatic Tears = A Kid At PetSmart
Long-term total sleep deprivation has caused death in lab animals... Guess it's a good thing I'm not a rat!
If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all! ~Hee Haw, circa 1969
If everyone followed this one piece of advice, the world would be a much better place!
Four more cats and I would've been THAT girl!
I used to dress like a hooker, then I had kids!
If anyone asks, I'm a pole dancer. That way, when they find out the truth, they'll be far less disappointed.
What THEY Say
2015 - What THEY Say
Little Boys And Cram Crackers
Turning Toddlers Into Teens | The Unfit Father
6 Parenting Styles I Embrace | The Mediocre Mama
Parenting Gives Me Indigestion | Copycate
Dear Mom-To-Be | Defining Motherhood
Guest Blogger Submission Form
Rants & Raves
Submit Product For Review
2016 - Rants & Raves Archives
Enter to Win a FREE myCharge HUB Max Charger
Turn Your Kid's Crappy Artwork Into One-Of-A-Kind Jewelry
2015 - Rants & Raves Archives
Are Three Arms Really Better Than One?
2014 - Rants & Raves Archives
Looking For A Lunch Box That Will Keep Your Kid's Lunch HOT? Boom. Found It!
What To Do When There Is Nothing To Do And You Have Kids?
Osmo: A Real Game Changer For Creative Learning On The iPad!
Ground Control To Major Mom
Organic Custom Baby Quilt
Drawing A Blank? Not Anymore!
Attention All Mothers: You Need This!
Stoppy: A Stylish Doorstop That Works!
DIY Sunlight Powered Screen-Printing
Kid's Placemats, With A Modern-Twist
Looks Like Putty Got Smart!
Simply Put: I Want One!
Filip Wearable Phone Watch
Wonki Wands: Mind-Blowingly Enormous Bubbles!
Indoor S'mores–For REAL!
Who needs powder when you got grass?
Breast Milk Lollipops? Yep... It's a thing!
Cartoons come to life - I freaking' LOVE this!
If you buy it, they will play (maybe for hours)!
Where else can you beat on a ball with a metal rod and not get sent to prison?
When babies have mustaches, it is inappropriate to make mustache ride jokes... Just an FYI
Are your balls glowing? Maybe they SHOULD be!
2013 - Rants & Raves Archives
If they don't like it, you can always hit them in the face with it!
What's that you say? A cool, low budget gift for Christmas?
Pewi, what's that smell? "Oh, that's called STYLE, my dear... And I wish I would have had it when MY kid was learning to walk!"
A personal sleigh for your highness!
Now when you call me a slacker, it will mean something entirely different!
Hey writers... Got a lot to say about nothing, but can't figure out what to say? Let Storymatic help!
In my next life, I want to be a millionaire so I can spend all my money on toys for my kid!
Diva moms on a budget... You can thank me in advance for what I'm about to tell you!
Don't take your anger out on mommy... say hello to Mr. Bonks!
I'll let you in on a little secret: kids don't know how much things cost and sometimes it pays to stick to the basics!
Next time you tell your kids to "go draw mommy a nice picture," don't be surprised if they ask for one of these!
The ideal gift for SWINGERS! (No pun intended.)
Look... you're SIX-YEARS-OLD: if you want cookies, make 'em yourself!
Go ahead: THROW my iPhone in the toilet, see if I care! Well... maybe not the toilet, perhaps we could just stick to large bodies of water?
How I became the Walter White of caffeine, minus all the millions and dead people.
Now when you trip on your way downstairs and land on your only GOOD tooth, you can thank your 2-year-old for calling for help!
Bunk beds are making a come-back... for adults!
Brace yourself, Daddy: That playhouse you built out of unmatched, termite-infested scrap wood you swiped from the neighbors back yard has finally been replaced.
I guess if my husband left one of THESE giant eggshells in the sink, I really don't think I would mind at all!
If you plan on letting your 3-year-old stay up and watch horror movies this Halloween, at LEAST put one of these on their nightstand!
The incredible UN-edible egg
If you're gonna help mommy vacuum, you'd better be legit!
Every person alive should own one of these, unless of course, they really ARE a witch!
Who said you can't teach an old dog new tricks?
If butts could talk, they'd tell you to buy one of these!
If you need an iPad in the bathroom, you're probably doing it wrong.
Shhhh... don't squeeze the animals: that's HER job!
Enough already: Shut the f...ront door, lock it and take your kids to the park!
Santa's not the ONLY one with a cool sled!
I see London, I see France, I see... wait... whaaaa??!
Mah-Na Mah-Naaaat such a bad idea!
The Gods Must Be Crazy... or just really f-ing cool!
What the hell is Zipfy? Oh... you're gonna want to know!
It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm about to eat mine!
Idiot-proof decoration... even for an idiot
No left turn... well, at least not for another 20 minutes!
The Backpack War
Booster seat fit for a Prima donna
I like cool swag and I cannot lie...
Common Sense Etiquette
Level I: The Simple Things
Lesson #1: How To Clean A Dish
Lesson #2: How To Change A Roll Of Toilet Paper
Lesson #3: How To Pick Up Your Shit
Lesson #4: How To Push A Button
Lesson #5: How To Turn Off A Light
Lesson #6: How To Be A Courteous Snacker
Lesson #7: How To Close A Refrigerator Door
Lesson #8: How To Close The Door On A Microwave Oven
Lesson #9: How To Turn The Volume Down on A Remote
Lesson #10: How To Lock A Door
Lesson #11: How To Pick Up A Sock
Lesson #12: How To Eat A Chip
Lesson #13: How To Push In A Chair
Lesson #14: How To Spray A Can Of Air Freshener
Lesson #15: How To Return A Pen
Lesson #16: How To Feed A Cat
Lesson #17: How To Put Seat Down On A Toilet
Lesson #18: How To Make A Bed The Lazy Man's Way
Lesson #19: How To Close A Drawer
Lesson #20: How To Close A Flip Lid
Lesson #21: How To Hang A Key On A Hook
Lesson #22: How To Turn Off A Gas Burner
Lesson #23: How To Pick Up A Towel
Lesson #24: How To Discard A Used Tissue
Lesson #25: How To Lock A Bathroom Door
Lesson #26: How To Move A Toy
Lesson #27: How To Close A Bag
Lesson #28: How To Turn Off A TV
Lesson #29: How To Locate And Remove An Unidentified Odor
Lesson #30: How To Close A Shampoo Bottle
Lesson #31: How To Shut A Door
Level II: A Step Above The Ordinary
Lesson #1: How To Wipe A Counter
Lesson #2: How To Straighten Something
Lesson #3: How To Feed A Fish
Lesson #4: How To Push A Broom
Lesson #5: How To Empty A Trash Can
Lesson #6: A Brief Introduction To The Dishwasher
Lesson #7: How To Blow Out A Candle
Lesson #8: How To Open Mini Blinds
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